Is it...
The hollow nothingness of healing?
Is it healing;
when you have travelled through all the gateways of recognition and self-reconciliation?
Cried, raged, negotiated, Denied...accepted.
And maybe not in that order at all-
I decided a long time ago,
That the only way out of perpetual victimhood was owning my own part in any interaction.
It’s never truly an attack on innocence.
So somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to just accept “being hurt”.
I did not give myself that break of pleading innocence...it HAD to somehow be my fault all the time.
That ownership,
Both liberating and debilitating.
It frees and it harms.
When someone treats you in a way that feels icky-
Facing what part of that interaction was my responsibility
can cause a sort of pain- The kind that comes with a numbing.
Tattoos are a great parallel.
The buzzing burn, stinging-
That turns into a numb ache after a few minutes.
If you can stay in that zone-
Tattoos can be the greatest of therapy.
.....Though,
Great losses sometimes require sacrifice.
Facing and admitting the layers of denial and guilt-
Overlapping in the most obnoxious ways at times.
It can never be-
that someone is just a jerk and treated me like a jerk because they are their own kind of jerk...
No...
I have to somehow be responsible for being that target of jerkiness.
Brene Brown and my therapist both talk about the difference between guilt and shame.
Guilt....a good opportunity for growth and adaptation.
Shame...the self-defecating motto “I’m not good enough”...Or “I am intrinsically broken and worthless”
Shame is a no bueno place to hang out.
Surf it...maybe.
Everyone needs a little humility to soften that moody-mood ego.
But the warning label for shame should go along the lines of:
...Don’t chill in a freezer long enough for the latch to lock.
Grab what you need and go-
So-
Waves of shame are surfed through like low-tide ripples.
Lick it and walk---- don’t try to chase it.
Like the Lyrics...”shake it off”...
I like to learn the difference between anxiety and other sorts of “states” or emotions.
I was talking to Lindy about the fact that knowing something doesn’t mean you practise it.
Knowing something doesn’t mean you “know” how to apply it.
I might “know” the words for a feeling-
But I can possibly not even be aware of the difference between anxiety and anger.
Dan Chidiac says this thing that I am often reminded of:
“Someone is not talking to you right now because they owe you an apology”
Well...
That’s awesome..and I read it over and over and jotted it in my journal.
Cuz the flip-side to that is:
Who am I not talking to -because I owe them an apology...?
There is always two sides to every coin.
...what was done...?....and also...what have I done to someone else?
Patience has been the hardest of virtues to learn and get used to.
I hate the “fake it till you make it” jazz..
I am terrible at faking stuff,
Though my lack of memory around time- helps blur reality enough to be deceptive.
It’s often in retrospect I’m like...dang...so that was wrong.
It could be possible that healing is a sort of mechanism for taking a look at the mistakes, feeling like crap about them-
Enough to make that change required to move forward.
And since-
Life makes it impossible to learn anything without awareness, curiosity and knowledge...
It stands to reason,
That you can’t actually know something that you don’t do or you haven’t experienced.
A drama
Knows
A drama...
So maybe if I want to be a better communicator and serve in any fashion-
I gotta know what those things are not.
Meaning,
All the tools of healing need to be used...
Not just known about.
It’s the unseen parts of self,
The ones that I don’t allow to be broken:
Those shrouded in justifying the hurts instead of taking the time to let them knit themselves back together.
The over thinking parts that let obsessive habits take control.
Fooling myself into “thinking” instead of accepting and doing!
And just like a tattoo...
The numbness can be embraced like therapy to the soul.
Maybe all of us want to know what comes next-
Or plan for it meticulously.
Look at all the angles before diving in.
The funniest “dumb” look I ever recall seeing,
Was on the face of a tattoo artist that was working on my arm.
I asked him if he would just freestyle some patches and stitching...
(I have a desire to have a patch work arm)
His face contorted itself into this almost grotesque-vomit-sneer.
The kind people get when they WATCH someone else eat something that disgusts them...
That “oh my gawsh I can’t believe you are eating that”...look
He almost pulled back- and spat out a
“Going freestyle on any tattoo looks like crap”
“Freestyle” came with an extra jagged “t”.
I can still see it and hear it,
I giggle.
Sooooo beneath him, Jenny.
But that’s what I want to do-
Freestyle it.
I have to believe that there is somewhere in this world I belong-
That the service and care I provide is wanted and needed in a way that benefits others.
That’s likely everyone’s goal on some level or another.
Oh..
Except perhaps the people just seeking to survive..I cannot speak to their situation-
Keeping in mind first world problems.
So...
It is,
Healing.
Healing from my own sort of tragedy.
Coming out of a witch hunt with my skin still attached-
Counting those blessings.
Take good care.