I can’t remember when I learned
“No one is irreplaceable”
I can’t even tell you who said it, when or why.
So in that way--
It feels like something I’ve always known.
Perhaps even the core of my “belief” structure surrounding work and jobs.
Work ethic developed itself around that simple and unprofiound fact.
“I can be replaced”.
So work your little tushy off girl- earn your place and do what it takes to serve. Earn your keep.
I grew up with a role model who some would call a “workaholic”.
Long hours with the knowledge that he paid the bills.
He made our life possible- working all those hours and sacrificing himself for the greater good.
I was well beyond adulthood before I learned to fully respect that.
With kids of my own and bills that never seemed to stop increasing.
So work, I did.
Although, around the time I was learning to respect that “adults in my life”-
I was also learning what toll it takes to work and nothing else.
Eventually, in my 40s, I started an actual career in Care.
From school to facility to home-based care programs.
The disbelief and awe of “making it” to management...was unimaginable to the girl slinging beers for tips years ago.
My young-self could not even bend her mind around the full scope of that responsibility.
Yet..
This woman- sitting at the other end, having lost that career path;
Reminded that ‘no one is irreplaceable.’
So, sitting in therapy to “deal with” the incredible compounded loss of people and career-
The kind of silent death that no one likes to talk about.
In care,
We are supposed to have these boundaries that protect us from the loss of those we provide care for.
Professional relationships that can process those losses through self-care and healthy practices.
Tho...they will not tell you what happens when you release all those practises in favour of pouring your whole self into that “job” and career, and it included the 24/7 responsibility of all aspects of a home caring for 5 individuals with complex health, well-being and emotional needs.
When your own time is consumed by a phone that doesn’t quiet and a mind focused on all the needs of those 5 and their care staff who are supposed to be your responsibility to ensure they have ALL the tools and skills they “need”.
Those staff all having complex mental and emotional needs as well - their mistakes are yours also.
Time absorbed in remembering all the updated protocols, writing them and enforcing and teaching them.
Time absorbed in who do I need to notify, update, contact, file reports, document.
Time absorbed in being available -
Trading night-walks to self improve- to be a better manager and caregiver.
Trading self-expression for censorship and rephrasing.
Trading confidence for ‘fake it till you make it’.
Being in an environment where disrespect and insubordination is a daily experience- with the responsibility to “rise above” it without any break in the diverse forms of bullying coming your way.
And suddenly....
-------it’s gone......
The people I have poured a life into.
The people I have been both connected to and responsible for.
The place I believed so strongly in.
The hope for future.
What --in 4 short years had become, not only a job- but also a life.... Gone.
How did that happen?
Anyone with a history of therapy or counselling in any way are literally groaning if not rolling their eyes.
There isn’t any better description of a recipe for a co-dependent people pleaser with perfectionistic tendencies.
Anxiety......?
C’mon now- how could there be anything but?
But ...can you truly see that while in it?
Probably not.
Each day blends into the next-
On call 6 days a week, often more.
Mind on all the troubles of other people, while disengaging from personally fulfilling exterior experiences.
Did I ever give myself time for anything else?
Ironically...
Shortly before I was exited-
I had been developing those boundaries- learning to enforce them in order to have a better “work-life balance”.
Not only for myself- but was also developing ways to support and coach others to as well.
That being the greatest loss of all-
“I was finally getting into a more balanced state”
Because we thinkers, can’t help but draw the parallel.
If I had remained that pushover with no life- would I still be employed?
Was it those developing boundaries that made me replaceable?
Silly thoughts, probably.
Brene Brown calls those “shitty first drafts”- the original stories that our egoic mind comes up with to explain away the pain.
So my current condition is processing that before moving on.
It is possible that no one is irreplaceable at work-
But that is not true of me.
I....am NOT replaceable.
Not as the main character in my own life.
Which means that my identity does not in any way rely on a job.
But rather- what I bring to a job has great value and worth.
In care, “the job” is people.
So I think, boundaries or not, it is okay...maybe even a good thing...to grieve those people when they are gone.
They also-
Are NOT replaceable.
Even those who treated me with such contempt, are not replaceable. The lessons they brought having equal value to those who worked with me to bring about better outcomes.
People are not a job.
So having those boundaries that define how we interact with others and what role we play in their lives are so important.
So very important, that we can also admit that there is value in that service.
I am redefining that belief:
No one is replaceable.
I would rather grow to include all those I serve and have served as a valuable part of who I am.
Each shape, a piece of who we are - collectively.
No one replaces any one. There is enough space to incorporate- no need for replacement people.