Hi, my name is Perspective
I am an addict-
In some sort of recovery...maybe.
A stage of it, though I can’t allot a number to it.
Like rebooting some old-timey computer system.
Layers and layers and layers of corrupted memories...
Layer after layer of denial, projecting and mirror recognition.
Only what lies beneath is an addict-
I can say workaholic, or drama and distraction addict.
I could say smoker, caffeine and avoidance-
But somehow saying “I don’t drink” or “I don’t do drugs” removes the stigma of “addiction”...
So the addiction can somehow be justified in its’ existence.
“Well... at least I don’t do THAT!”
In this life-
I’ve seen how you can’t really fully understand a thing-
Until it’s lost.
You can’t fully recognize it, until it’s gone-
All the way.
Identity being the deepest layer to shed- since the core of all perception stems from that alone.
People talk about appreciating, and being glad for things- in the moment.
Mindfulness...seeing where you are now.
And that is a practise-
Not a “one and done” sort of thing-
So addiction can sneak up on you unaware-
So long as you ignore it.
Maybe even more so if you can somehow justify it with your ego.
My name is Clarity, and I am an addict.
A recovering workaholic-
Who over-defines with other things-
To avoid defining and recognizing the “self”.
Bam.
And when that breaks apart-
The endless cascade of being able to ask “maybe”
Accept and embrace the maybe-
And let it go.
So I don’t think there’s a 12 step program...
But there is a lot I still don’t know.
Could be people-addiction is a thing too...
And I just haven’t yet grasped the depths of that possibility.
Seems too big at the moment I guess-
Christmas Day chat with my sister-
We,
The kind who can expound on a topic far past the ridiculous and end up somehow making way too much sense.
Decided,
Between the two of us-
Swapping addiction stories back and forth;
That my “workaholic-ism” is far more likely a people-addiction.
People pleasing potential, for sure.
Creating streams of other addictive behaviours -
Like
-she might sip coffee and scroll tik-tok,
While I’m busy smoking and overthinking about some other people problem.
So-
Count em up-
Bad life choices,
Overthinking,
Work “problem solving”
While justifying it all in the name of “productivity”...
Ha!
Throw caffeine and tobacco over that like salt and pepper-
You got a full-scale problem on your hands.
But it’s not a “you” problem.....right?
“We need accountability partners” I chirped-
Like the true problem solving champ.
Alcoholics Anonymous totally nailed that one-
Meetings for members but partners for full disclosure.
Wendy found a website for Workaholics Anonymous and read me out their 12 steps.
Who needs Google when your sister is an awesome human?!?
By the time she was done reading,
I could only blurt out an uncensored:
“ I could join a cult!”
Yep- she responded with a laugh.
“We need an anonymous anonymous” she said.
I could somehow picture that masked guy on the interwebs uttering threats to Obama.
Pop culture...
Anonymous Anonymous..support group for the un-named and somehow justified addictions.
Bad habits covering over addictions like self-care bandaids and labelled “me time”.
I asked Wendy if she thought that maybe there was some kind of backwards depression-
Work depression?
Cuz as the last weeks have stretched out,
I wondered over and over if all these bad habits,
Replacing the things I once loved doing-
The healthy, balanced - good tools for mental health...
Were easier in some way to make sense of.
If Anonymous anonymous had some slogan,
I’m sure it would have to be:
Don’t be a tool,
Use your tools.
Like some kind of war cry for the weary.
Breathe in:
One thing at a time
Breathe out:
But by grace go I.
-E