I think everyone, at some point or another...
Or, at least a lot of people-
Go through the process of learning that social situations require a level of agreeable-ness.
Basically,
“No one enjoys a know-it-all”-
is a term or phrase that we all learn on different levels, to different degrees throughout our life.
My mum would say I was super young when I learned to “dumb down” my social presence.
Perhaps that is the people pleaser in early development-
My clearest recollection of the first time I was aware of “dumbing down”- was in Girl Guides.
...Becoming agreeable.
Girl Guide camp, to be exact-
Where acceptance into the group is a crucial thing to acquire, in order to make it through the whole ordeal.
If you act “weird” or “wrong”-
The entire camping trip could be spent as an outcast.
Last to be picked- whispered about, left out of any group activity.
So it must have been around the age of 9 or so.
Maybe 10, 11- developing the skills of:
Playing Dumb
For the amusement and acceptance of others.
As an adult,
I consider it more....
“staying curious.”
Let someone else tell me who they are, and who they think I am.
Remaining open to direction, ever learning.
Not getting stuck on what I think I know,
Keeping that cup ever empty- so there is room to overflow.
......Arguments are only good if they are shared over a coffee.
A great debate-
To weigh out the thoughts of collected observations and learnings.
They are NOT for public consumption.
I can probably debate any given topic-
But ...
It’s always only my idealistic slant-
I want to believe that all people are people...
So, inclusion and equality balance precariously in that “IT’s NOT Fair” compartment of my psyche.
I want to believe that all people are equal......
That life COULD BE fair, if only we saw the humanity we all share-
If we embraced the differences, while recognizing and respecting the similarities.
Idealism....fo sho
I love when Brene Brown wrote about the belief some people held, was “that everyone around them are doing their best.”
...but for grace.....
I don’t think I held that belief ,
Since our beliefs generally reflect our own state of being-
I must have held some contempt for myself.
I figured people could do better.
People were taking the easy way out.
Maybe it was,
That I thought people were NOT doing their best,
Because I judged myself from standards way far and away-
Too idealistic.
....so the perfectionist people pleaser was made themselves known in me, through the sheer survival of being accepted at Girl Guide Camp.
But there was also church and ballet class.
Friends and friends, family and family....
Could be “superiority” and “inferiority” are two sides of the same coin.
“I think I have been learning that lesson my whole life”....nobody likes a know it all.....
...no matter how “right” you think you are-
Doesn’t matter if the others around think you are wrong.
Majority rules.
Better to accept I may be wrong-
To be accepted by others-
To help propel what a group can make right, together.
No,
In reality:
People prefer to be above others.
To know more,
Sense more-
Be the teacher instead of the student.
I think it’s a pride thing,
Not wanting to appear “less than”.
But also wanting that “more than” to be accepted.
I WANT to teach what I know-
But I need a captive audience...right?
The word “manipulation” has more emotions attached to it than meaning.
People “feel” the word manipulation, more than they truly understand what it “IS”....the meaning of it.
“I feel manipulated when I find myself doing something that someone else has convinced me to do, forced me to do, or coerced me to do.”
Which, in reality:
Could be a very wide array of things.
There for-
We are literally living and breathing manipulators- one and all.
It’s a survival skill.
If you cannot navigate the achievements of your needs through manipulating those around you or even the environment to fit you:
Well....
You don’t survive.
A baby learns that cries produce essential food and hydration.
It goes from there....
A baby who learns that crying provides comfort, can develop the skills of having their needs met through using that cry as a manipulation to gain essential comfort and connection.
We learn to manipulate items in our environment to provide food, shelter- so on.
So when you look at it from that angle-
Everyone is constantly manipulating everything at all times.
The act of living, in and of itself- is a manipulation of prolonging life vs. Dying.
A cellular manipulation of time, space and reality.
I once created my own adaptation of Maslow’s hierarchy of life,
It still held true to original form-
And the logic stayed intact.
It IS a typical pyramid, that recognizes the building blocks of achievement of life.
But the most crucial part,
Or-
Foundation-
In Quality of Life,
Is found in the sentence itself.
LIFE.
You cannot have quality of life, without life.
For those people, who rely on others to provide them that quality of life...
Those with disease, physical and mental limitations;
Life and safety supports will ALWAYS trump enjoyment-
Or, at least they should.
How do you manipulate needs if you are dead?
So, being agreeable is also a necessary aspect of quality of life.
If you are forever saying “no”- you will end up without your needs being met.
I was born with some sort of “thing”-
Skin or psychological, it didn’t really matter,
Because I could not handle having my body touched in the normal way a baby would.
So, my aunt fashioned a sling and would carry me at her hip. Layers of swaddle between me and whoever.
A buffer that provided closeness without contact.
Looking back, I think about the metaphor of how people also develop buffers to protect their vulnerable parts.
Space between who they are and who they show the world.
A layer of cloth between “I” and “it”-
Us. Vs. Them
It is very possible that being agreeable is that also-
Striving to turn an “I” into “we”.
Care providers know that sensation-
The dopamine hit that comes from improving the life of someone else.
When the exchange is positive,
Manipulation actually lives on both sides.
One side gets their needs met by someone,
The other side gets the fulfillment from meeting someone else’s need, thus fulfilling their own need to receive that feeling, through providing that care.
But it isn’t always that simple.
Sometimes,
It is impossible to meet everyone’s needs.
This has forever been the issue in care settings-
Be it one, or 500.
THAT is when the word “manipulation” takes on a feeling of negative emotion.
I will write about “Attention”- at a later time:
But It ties into this closely.
Attention seeking behaviour,
In a care setting:
Often refers to a set of behaviour patterns that suggest a person will “do this” in order to gain attention.
Rarely is it said in a positive manner....
As it is intended to signify when a person in care removes attention and care from another person by manipulating the care provider.
I once listened to a Behavioralist, with many letters behind her name,
Explain how we are ALL seeking attention.
Once she finished explaining that statement, I leaned towards strongly agreeing with her.
Observe:
any situation where more than one person are present-
And they need or rely on each other, in any fashion-
How present “attention seeking behaviour” actually is.
There is always only 3 categories for responses to group settings.
- Involvement
- Retreat
- Attention Seeking
- Involvement are those who participate in the group. Listen, answer, ask, do, responders to the environment. Content to simply be a part of, and attentive to: the group. "Sheeple", followers, doers.
- Retreat is the “shy”, independent or withdrawn. The wall flowers, deep thinkers, fearful of rejection and others.
- Attention seeking are the voices heard the loudest.
These are your leaders, your trouble makers, rebels and warriors.
The squeaky wheel and the saviour.
I grew up with the adage that the honey catches more bees than vinegar.
Whether female or not-
My era and generation were taught to keep sweet.
Respect your elders.
Respect your job.
Respect others-
Although those lessons were more pounded in with shame than strategy....
What do I mean by that?
...there are embarrassing consequences for “not” being agreeable.
I may not follow the rules-
But I will be shamed if I don’t.
The more idealistic of us,
Tried to rationalize those beliefs through furthering studies on social interactions.
The 2020’s ushered in this era of “narcissistic” flagging.
In certain circles, manipulation belonged to the narcissist.
...though, it didn’t take me long to figure out that people who didn’t like someone else, were using the term “narcissist” to explain how they were the victim of someone else.
I imagine some cases were true,
But know for a fact, some were not.
Just because you can act like an asshole-
A “narcissist” -that is not!
We sometimes only see our shadow in other’s behaviours.
Like...
Being agreeable will rarely help a domestic violence situation-
But in most cases will resolve a situation requiring communication and cooperation.
...like that.
In my 30s- and into my 40s-
I learned the term:
“We do not negotiate with terrorists”.
The image conjured is about someone who has been kidnapped by the drug cartel-
And the rich or those in power, will not engage with the cartels demand.
Well,
Emotionally-
That means, not giving in to the demands of a bully.
Someone who “terrorizes” us, holds something that matters to us in their control, demanding something of value in return.
...otherwise known as blackmail...
Tho,
It’s very hard to emotionally blackmail someone that we hold no power over.
Example:
My brother can’t get me to do his chores by holding my Barbies ransom, once they no longer matter to me.
But-
He could do it with the threat of telling mom what I did last week.
Often-
Being agreeable is also about not giving anyone else the upper hand.
Not on purpose.
I recall when I decided to no longer do anything that I was ashamed for others to know about.
That’s a lot easier than it sounds-
Cuz sometimes what you do can be twisted into something shameful-
Whether you were hiding it or not.
That’s our humanity-
Not only what we do:
But how it is taken.
That is when “agreeable-ness” can tip the scales into a dangerous area.
“What someone else thinks of me is none of my business...”
!!!
Oh....
.......But it is.
It may not matter, what your bully whispers about you in the background-
But once it takes root:
Anything you say or do, will be seen through the eyes of people committed to misunderstanding you.
In those situations-
The more agreeable you are:
The more you prove your bullies right.
Controlling the narrative is the key.
The person who controls the narrative, controls the outcome of any neutral situation.
It can be an "accident", or it can be "intentional".
We see this play out, in society- over and over.
We participate without even thinking twice.
A newspaper bent on supporting politics,
Will only ever see the good in their own supported party.
Anything or anyone else- is the devil.
....and the devil is always in the details.
A criminal can be determined to be a criminal, simply through those committed to proving they are one.
And likewise- not a criminal for the same reason.
Everything we do, as a society-
Is based on the bias.
And the agreeable allow their biases to be shifted.
...once I was afraid of the unknown.
But just because you are afraid,
Does not mean you are in danger.
...being agreeable must need tempering....
Balance.
Not too agreeable,
But also not too disagreeable.
It is possible that some naturally know this...
Like a skill or part of their personality,
They can tip toe between the tulips without having to be told not to trample the blooms.
But for those of us who start out by sitting on the whole tulip patch to pull a thorn out of their heel-
Learning the manipulative art of being agreeable enough to fit in-
Without being so agreeable that they lose themselves...
That is a life long mission.
Journey well &Take good care.