Brené Brown writes about the difference between “fitting in” and “belonging”.
As I listened to her Audiobook, while she described asking school-aged children the difference between the two and the answers they gave:
It resounded as “true”.
The kind of truth that strikes you as a “no duh”- you know it so well ...and so deep, it’s almost tragic.
For those who have never heard how it is described,
The simple difference between ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’ is:
If I’m fitting in, I have to change.
If I belong, I am accepted as myself.
It could be that I have been trying a life-time to fit in.
While not fully recognizing or understanding “where” I fit in.
Could be I was belonging all along and not know it- Or never did and tried too hard to make it.
During my yoga and meditation phase,
The term “tribe” was used to describe a group of people with whom you belong.
Could be that group was made up of 2....but a “tribe” nonetheless.
So there was some sort of drive to find a tribe.
Tho...
It’s’ hard to imagine- since I had not yet even realized I was some sort of perfectionist-people-pleaser.
That understanding would come years later, after stumbling around in the dark, looking for a place to “fit in”.
When it was, I finally recognized belonging,
It was a wonderful day.
I sat down with a pen and drew out a “map” of where I belong- with whom and why.
Since this all ties back into “worth” or self-worth...
Selfish, selfish, selfish! Is such a hard thing to overcome-
The blame and shame of being perceived or thought-to-be “selfish”.
I’ve mentioned boundaries before-
And that fact matters.
Developing boundaries should come with warning labels!!
So be it...
Which brought me to “community”...
Community, by my definition, should be a place where each one person involved WANTS to be there, communicate and participate.
My youngest, in their dynamic way- introduced me to a fully-functioning community.
By their description-
Everyone involved were encouraged to be fully authentic- and use a “talking stick” to participate in problem solving and resolution.
Every person there, was invested in a peaceful resolution and were willing to be vulnerable enough to both speak and listen, in a way that supported each one.
It struck me- that’s the thing.
To belong, is to interact and develop a space where each person involved wants to contribute to the betterment of that collective.
Community.
Which of course-
Leads into the utopic thoughts or ideology of extreme communal co-dependence- and fanatically speaking- communism which turns into radical totalitarianism...
I’m not gonna get political, just pointing out the parallel.
So-
To belong, is to have community.
Which requires clearly defined boundaries along with absolute freedom of expression.
Because a thing so often forgotten these days is that where two or more share space-
One’s rights ends where another begins.
Our rights may not cancel each other out.
Which requires communication of honest exchange.
What are my rights? And what are yours?
That means...Community cannot exist harmoniously where one is not wanting or willing to honestly contribute.
Communication cannot be a safe and honest expression- without a freedom AND willingness to stay curious.
Those are tall orders!
What could possibly knit that sort of community together?
Oh!
And NOT have it collapse into itself through ignorance or cancel culture?
I guess that is the adventure I would like to embark on-
Figuring out that answer.
For two years, I struggled to fit into a role that felt impossible, too tight, too great a challenge-
Only to find out that just as it was beginning to fit- it was over.
Failure tho-
Has this crazy way about revealing incredible lessons.
Lessons like:
- You can’t MAKE anyone want to do anything.
- You can’t teach anyone who doesn’t want to learn.
- Kindness can be a cover up for people pleasing and anxiety.
- Too many voices with conflicting information is simply crazy-making, and you cannot please them all.
And a smattering of a whole bunch more-
Which ended with me sitting on the personal value of Serve fairly, Act Justly. Love Mercy, Walk humbly.
Because, at the end of the day- that was not my community, no matter how hard I “tried”.
Which has two sides to it also-
The paradox of trying to “make” something work and the controlling obsessive behaviour because that ability to “control” is just an illusion.
Doomed to failure with far too many cooks in the kitchen.
Community, then-
Must look more like willing participants and equal investments.
No back door deals, striving to fit in or “having to teach”
- Nope
It would be more along the lines of wanting to show up, curious how to serve and a desire to learn and grow together.
That is definitely the direction I would like to go.
Take good care